amongst the drawing and photographs scattered across my bedroom on my bed walls and floor I look over them cautiously with fear and terror in my eyes and a joint perfectly positioned between my lips I realize that all I want to do in this life Is to love. Yet this is the idea that throws nightmarish images into my head. Its not desperation, I for awhile thought that it was, but I know now its yearning, yearning to find the other half of my vision, one whom I would be able to lie there next to and look into their eyes and know what they are thinking. Its the yearning of finding someone who everyday you dont have that sick to your stomache feeling when they ask if they could come over or the sick to your stomache and mind when you know its not right and your being used and spoon fed lies. I guess some people like being in the situation of having to depend on someone and they and their partener spoon feed each other lies. Thats not for me, I dont want to have to just depend on my partner I want the ability to depend on myself and we both depend and really care about each other. I had this before, but I was so young and frivolous with our love. I know that I wont make that mistake again, or the mistake of a past few again. Im just an old fashioned romantic stuck in a present tense where people lie cheat and use and use until they drain the life out of whatever it is they are sucking it out of and move on to their next victim. I wont be a victim again. Moving away and starting life anew seems to be the best option here. I cant be here and listen to the oh johnny fucked susie while susie was fucking steve the whole time. And being in an area where everybody knows everything is just too much. There is no more mystery with love no excitement no more butterflys while your sitting in a movie with your date and he brushes his leg against yours for the first time and reachse over and holds your hand. Thats not here. Love will prevail, its just the matter of pulling the weeds before you get to the one you want to be planted with.